Him

I tell myself over and over again,

There is more to life than finding someone to love you.

I sit down with my mom, who says

“You deserve better.”

I sit down with my friends, who say

“He’s a piece of shit.”

I sit down alone and repeat it.

They’re just words.

Because then I sit down with him.

And his eyes have a thousand things to say.

He smiles and I forget the word alone.

He walks out and the room is too empty

and there’s a pile of silence on my floor

like dirty laundry I can’t bring myself to pick up.

Say the words until they’re true.

I deserve better.

He’s a piece of shit.

I smile without someone on the receiving end.

But then he’s back, and he’s laughing

and I’m the only person alive in the world.

And I do. I laugh back.

Yes, I hate him.

But sometimes

I hate myself

more.

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13 thoughts on “Him

  1. This poem leaves me breathless as there is such beauty and sadness co-existing. The last line leaves me so sad and hoping that you are writing fiction. We must never hate ourselves no matter what is going on in or lives because we (or I, more properly,) are all we have under control. God that reads so sanctimoniously but I don’t mean it to be. Keep writing, please Natalie, as you always make me think. Thank you for that

    1. Yes. I wish I were writing fiction, too.

      I really appreciate these thoughts. It’s so terrible to hate ourselves, but so hard not to sometimes. We consider forgiveness something we can give to other people, but often forget to give it to ourselves.

      I have forgiven myself for hating people. I think I need to forgive myself for loving them, too.

      Thank you for reading!

      Natalie

  2. Dang. This is about the first eight guys I dated. Every single one of them. Then a couple later on, too when I was old enough to know better.

    Keep shopping.Collect the whole set.Then pick the one that’s right. Everyone deserves better. Don’t sell yourself short.

    1. Good to know I’m not the only one 😉

      “Everyone deserves better. Don’t sell yourself short.” You have no idea how much these words mean to me. Alice, you always know exactly what to say.

      Thanks from the bottom of this confused heart,

      Natalie

  3. I keep reading and telling myself “THIS is my favorite” only to stumble on something else. Maybe I should just say that the things spilling out of your mind are beautiful magic and you should never, ever stop. Thank you so much.

Thoughts? I love those.

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